What was my purpose for this blog?
I think I had the wrong purpose.. I think I want to change my purpose.
I am going to view this differently now.. or at least TRY to maintain a different focus.. I need to do this blog for me. I am going to stop caring if it's good or entertaining or pretty..
I need to just capture the thoughts that I wish to remember.. or ramble when I need to ramble. It is close to midnight and I have just watched the movie Just Like Heaven. It was a pretty good movie, but then, I'm a sucker for romances believing that there is that match out there for me. I have always wanted a partner. I work well on my own, but when I work well with someone, it can be magic. At least magic for me..
anyhow.. not where I wanted to go with that..
I had always wished that there was a device that recorded thoughts.. I have such GREAT thoughts.. but they dont seem to be in english. I understand them.. and no, I dont really HEAR them.. I just KNOW them. I have had ideas that are amazing, but when I go to express them, I fail to find the right words.
I know Im intelligent. Im just not that intelligent that everyone recognizes as smart. I have this strange knowledge that some.. actually Im noticing it more these days.. maybe it's not even smart.. maybe it's just being aware. Aware of what people have lost from the primitive life. And you know; I cant even describe it. Maybe one day I will fully know myself.. but until then, I'll continue to piece it together as I live my life.
The psychic said something about me still getting hung up on "the stupid stuff.." I looked at him curiously, he says.. "you know.. whether you're skinny enough.. wishing you had bigger boobs.. you know, the stupid stuff!" Here I am, shaking my head IN my head thinking.. NO.. I have dealt with that and boy, was that a long and hard road leading with the realization that that stuff just SHOULDNT matter. If they dont like me, that's fine. I dont mind. I dont want to TRY anymore..
you know, I do still care.. and I think I had that frame of mind for this blog. Sure.. I am trying to be honest on it. I am writing about the stuff I thought I wanted to write about.. but I always had this thought in my head that I wanted to be inspiring.. I needed to write something interesting.
FUCK IT. Why should I care what anyone thinks.. it's WHAT I THINK that matters, no? If I am happy with my work, I should feel that pride within.. no matter IF no one writes me comments on my blog. I should write this thing in hopes to have a reference later to realize that "okay, on June 19th, this is how I was thinking and this is what mattered to me that day.." yep. Or maybe just reviewing my beliefs.. I remember when I was younger, lets go with nineteen years old. I was working at a Tim Hortons.. scared as hell in my life.. dont know why I cared so much.. but I was scared if no one liked me. I was scared that people were making fun of me behind my back.. I wouldnt go out if I didnt have the right clothes on.. if my hair wouldnt cooperate.. I had some serious self esteem issues.
I met a guy who was in a band who would frequent the Tim Hortons I worked in. At first, I didnt even consider this guy.. I knew one of the other employee's like him and was out trying for him. I was friendly, and was just getting comfortable in my job and starting to let down my guard about my paranoia's..
Well.. his job was to shuttle airplanes around at the local airport. He would come in in this jumpsuit, order his vanilla capp and crack a few jokes here and there. Then there was one day he came in with actual clothes on but was carrying a helmet. Well.. I noticed his helmet because I had had an accident on a motorcycle (unfortunately I was the passenger..) and still LOVED to ride. He told me he would take me for a ride that night.
*sigh* there is more to this story.. I'll continue later though. I should actually recall this story because I would like to have record of it. My point of view of the events that took place..
I cant remember his version anymore, but I know he has told me. I remember mine as a fairytale.. it's been eleven years, but I can still put myself in that moment of time.. I wish I knew then what I know now. But then, all things happen for a reason.